I was going through a lot back in 2010. I tried to ignore all the problems that i was in the middle of but in early 2011 i had this sever case of acne and i just couldn’t stand it anymore. I was so depressed that i had to leave school in the middle of the semester not because ppl were making fun of me, but because they couldn’t stop staring at my face and while i was talking to them they just couldn’t look into my eyes instead of my skin. A lot of things happened in 2011. I’ve been in treatment since 2009 for the same reasons. Im getting better-sometimes it looks like I’m not but i actually am- and its a long process. I thought my life was worthless, i considered suicide as an option. I believed that being beautiful on the outside was the only that mattered. But i have learned the hard way that i was just a 14 year old boy dealing with the same problems as other teenagers. Thats what this tattoo is all about. Young Blood to me means that i have a long life in front of me. Theres a lot of things that i could//can//will do. Im young on the outside, but that is not gonna last. But i wanna keep that young blood going through my veins even if I’m a 70 year old. I don’t wanna live forever. I wanna live a long life doing anything that is on my hands to help others. I don’t wanna waste my life carrying things that are no good for me. I wanna be an old man proud of his youth. Proud of his golden age. Knowing that he did what he had to do with it. Now I’m 17 and i can proudly say that I’ve made it through. Emotionally I’m stable, and maybe i still have the scars to proof what i went through when i was only 14 but I’m learning how to love myself and I’m learning how to live a balanced/loving/pleasant/long life :)
My name is Ruben, if you need any help… Well you must know i’m always here for you 👌
1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her. It’s okay. I will still love you.
2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special. Celebrate anyway. Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you. Cherish that love. Revel in it. It is the best gift you will ever receive.
3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut.
4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you. Why did you get that tattoo? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why aren’t you married yet? You don’t have to answer them. Be selfish. Keep somethings to yourself.
5. Some nights you won’t be able to sleep. You will lie awake at 2 am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point. Get up. Get out of your bed. Do something. Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters. You matter to me.
6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own.
7. There will be several nights when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.
8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on.
9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home.
10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.
11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.
12. Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.
Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.
Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.
Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.
Are you listening? Because this is your life, singing a siren song to capture your attention and steer away from the rocks, to guide you back home.
all women were bigger and stronger than you
and thought they were smarter
women were the ones who started wars
too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos
and no K-Y Jelly
the state trooper
who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike
was a woman
and carried a gun
the ability to menstruate
was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs
your attractiveness to women depended
on the size of your penis
every time women saw you
they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
women were always making jokes
about how ugly penises are
and how bad sperm tastes
you had to explain what’s wrong with your car
to big sweaty women with greasy hands
who stared at your crotch
in a garage where you are surrounded
by posters of naked men with hard-ons
men’s magazines featured cover photos
of 14-year-old boys
tucked into the front of their jeans
and articles like:
“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”
“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”
“The truth about impotence”
the doctor who examined your prostate
was a woman
and called you “Honey”
you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath
as she insisted that sleeping with her
was part of the job
you couldn’t get away because
the company dress code required
you wear shoes
designed to keep you from running
And what if
after all that
women still wanted you
to love them.
My college did this thing today where they laid out the backpacks of students who have committed suicide. This is just a small portion of some of them. On top of the backpacks was a brief summary of who they were. Some backpacks even had things in them that bypassers could look at. Don’t ignore the signs of others.
Oh my god
- Always take pictures of the sky when it’s pretty, it probably won’t ever look like that again.
- Wear that skirt you like, even if you’re mom says it’s too short.
- Take off the dark eyeliner and nail polish once in a while, you’ll feel lighter.
- Chop off your hair if you want, it will grow back eventually.
- Count the freckles on your arms and draw lines between them, your skin is like the night sky.
- Sleep under six blankets with the fan on high in the middle of the winter, the sound is soothing.
- Tell that boy to stop touching your thigh, even if it is flattering.
- Say thank you and flash a smile when your sister says that your outfit is ugly.
- Raise your hand when you know the answer, even if the class is all upperclassmen.
- Read that book again, you’ll notice something you didn’t the first time.
- Don’t drink too much caffeine, you’ll get the jitters and bomb your math test.
- Wear pencils behind your ears, it’s convenient.
- Try to talk to people, it won’t kill you.
- When a cute boy tries to cheat off your test, write the wrong answers and change them later.
- It’s ok to feel happy, don’t let other peoples sadness make you feel bad.
i want a late night adventure. i want someone to call me up and say, “i’m outside. let’s go do something!” i want to go out late at night in my pj’s and my hair all tied up. maybe drive around. go to a park and just swing on the swings. maybe sit in the grass and watch the stars or maybe go to a 24 hour food place and pig out. i just want a late night adventure with people i like to be around. no drama. nothing but good vibes and good company.
I am incredibly awkward and negative. I get attached easily, and I hold on for too long. I don’t like opening up to people. Most five year old children can express their feelings better than me. I hide behind my fake smiles. I’m probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. But I can be sweet. I’m a great listener. I’ll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge you based on your mistakes, and I’ll love you as much as I can. I can be, if you let me, one of the best things in your life.
So, last night, I was getting ready to go out with my boyfriend to a dance at my school (which was cancelled due to lack of ticket sales) and, I had a nice black vest and a nice white shirt, and my uncle had just came home the other day from the mine (my uncle is homophobic and he has abused me many times throughout my child hood) and when I had came out of my room to show my memere how nice I looked, my uncle was in the room that i thought my grandma/memere would be in (she was downstairs doing laundry), and he asked me why I wasnt wearing a dress.
my memere and dad both know that I am transgendered and they respect that, however, my uncle does not, and he did not know.
so I decided to sit down and tell him the truth.
he listened carefully and quietlly through all of it, but at the end of my explanation he had said, “I didn’t raise you to be fucked up.”
I agreed, I am a huge mess, I have been for years, but my sexuality and gender identity is not a fuck up, so I argued with him.
he got to a point where, after so many months of piece, he slapped me.
and threw me to the ground and kicked me in the stomach, of course I had puked, and it hurt, a lot.
he grabbed me by the shirt and asked me, “are you a girl”, I said no, my sex is female, but my gender is male..and he dragged me to his room.
he once had a big dog, and he made that dog wear an eletrical dog collar, and weve always kept it in his room, because we dont need it (my uncle killed the dog), he threw me onto the bed and said,” ill ask you one more time, are you a girl” I said no.
held grabbed my wrist, and held onto it tightly, I have a bruise from how tight he was grabbing it, and he pulled out the dog collar, threw me back onto the bed, sat on me, and put the collar on me… then he began yelling, are you a girl, you are a girl, are you a girl, you are a girl, and my response of course was no, no, no, I am male, I am male.
whenever I said that, he would shock me, and it was /hell/.
I was screaming, which only caused the shocks to get worse and worse, and then he said, “do you want to find out how faggots have sex!?” of course I already know this, but still I said no no no no stop stop stop.
my memere had finally heard me and came rushing to the bedroom, and tried to make my uncle stop, but he pushed her down, and thanked god she was okay.. since shes very fragile and all.
she then ran back to the stairs to call up my dad, and oh boy did he run.
he ran up stairs and shoved my uncle away from me and started fighting with him, yelling, punching, kicking, and such so on.
my memere got the collar off of me and brought me into her room, and after my dad and uncle were done fighting, my uncle had grabbed the things he needed and left, shouting a few insults at us.
we called the police today, but they cant find him.
we dont have money for a lawyer, all we have is a counsellor, im not going to ask for money, all I ask for is support.
I dont know what this will do, but please spread this around, this has affected me and family members greatly. I was taken to a hospital today to check if there was any damage on my insides that we dont know of and thankfully there was no damage, just scarring, emotionally and physically. i had a horrifying nightmare relating to this as well.
If you have abused somebody, raped somebody, insulted somebody, in any way possible, I hope this can somehow change your way of heart, and realize how much this can horrify a person, and ruin their lives. it made my life 97x worse than it already is.